Harry Potter and the Horribly Unlikely Fanfiction
by Sharap'n
Summary: Have you ever noticed how incredibly implausible most FanFiction plotlines are? I have. Chapter Five: It's the marriage law that doesn't make any sense! And don't forget the Very Sexy But Also Mysterious American Girl, here to save the day!
1. Bad HD

Warning: This contains HP6 spoilers.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warning #2: If you are a H/D shipper, or write H/D, avert your eyes. It will never happen. I mean this. But I'd prefer it if you didn't flame me, cos that would make me sad. But you can if you really want to. I'm not smart enough to reply with Cutting Remarks™ that will really make you think long and hard about your life decisions.

Ever noticed that a huge majority of FanFictions are incredibly, incredibly implausible? _Incredibly _implausible? So very implausible that the mere summary contains more HP blasphemy than… something that has a lot of HP blasphemy?

I have.

Without further ado, I present to you…

**Harry Potter and the Horribly Unlikely FanFiction**

_Chapter one: The Lion and the Snake (or other title which contains blatantly obvious metaphors for Gryffindor and Slytherin, which the author thinks is really subtle and mysterious)_

Summary: Lyk omg, so lyk Hermione and Draco r hed boy n hed gurl and they lyk hav 2 share a comon room GASP will romance happen? Not gud at sumerys jus read it kthxbye

Hermione tossed her hair over her shoulder. Over the summer, she had visited America (cause Americans are lyk so much cooler than English people) and whilst there, she had realised that being intelligent was just so… _ugly._ She was sick of being the smart one, she wanted to be sexy and have all the boys in love with her. Because as we all know, it is physically impossible to love someone who isn't incredibly attractive. She had straightened her hair and had highlights, and it now shone like there were stars in it, or something. She had filled out, and had Curves In All The Right Places™. She had an incredibly slutty muggle wardrobe, and wore clothing that would suit 2006, even though the series was set in the nineties. Oh well, anything to make Hermione look _totally kewl_.

She was standing on Platform 9 ¾, waiting for her very best friends who will inevitably dump her so that she can cry on the shoulder of none other than Draco Malfoy – ahem. Waiting for her very best friends, Ron and Harry. Suddenly, because the author can't think of anything else to pad the story with, Ron and Harry appear. Of course, they have turned incredibly attractive and have Rippling Muscles™.

"Omg Mione," said Ron, using netspeak and calling her by a nickname he has never called her before in his life, "You look totally different. Did you _do _something?"

"Why yes Ronald," Hermione replied coolly, speaking like the author assumes all smart people talk like, and calling Ron by a name she has never called him before in his life, "I did do something. Notice my sexiness, and my Curves In All The Right Places™?"

"Now that you mention it, I do! Hermione, you look so sexy that I would totally go for you! _Totally!_" Harry said, speaking like a valley girl and being incredibly out-of-character. "Lyk, _totally!_"

"Don't call me that!" Hermione screeched, because obviously Hermione/the author thinks that 'Hermione' is a name that is way too uncool for someone so sexy. "You may call me Maya, even though it is a name that has little or nothing to do with my actual name."

"Okay Maya…" Harry said, looking suspicious. "_Totally_."

"Now boys," Hermione said, pushing out her chest so far she may have displaced several vertebrae, "I believe I must board the train, for I must find out who is occupying the position of Head Boy this year."

"Wow, wouldn't it be _totally_ implausible if it was _DRACO MALFOY?_" Harry said, jumping up and down and squealing.

"Quite possibly the worst candidate for Head Boy-ship? Not to mention the boy who attempted to kill Dumbledore several times? You know, he probably won't even be allowed back into Hogwarts," Hermione said, striding onto the train and making sure her shirt was open to the fullest extent without showing her naughty-bits. "I think that it would be incredibly implausible if _DRACO MALFOY_ was Head Boy. Unless, as I quite suspect, the author is deciding to disregard canon for the sake of their flimsy plotline?"

"Hey, y'know what would be even more _totally_ implausible?" Harry said, grinning excitedly. "If you two had to share a common room or something. Or even an adjoining bathroom! That would totally create some Awkward Moments™ and Blatantly Obvious Sexual Tension™!"

"Now, you stop being silly, Harold," said Hermione, wondering why the hell she just called Harry by his full name. She suspected it was for the same reason she called Ron by his full name - sheer idiocy. She decided to stop thinking about it, figuring that if she got too inquisitive, the plot would collapse and she'd be out of a job. She headed towards the compartment Dumbledore (alive, of course) had told her to go to, and pushed open the door. She gasped in shock.

The Head Boy was Draco Malfoy. _How incredibly implausible_, Hermione thought to herself.

Draco stared at the girl who had just entered. Of course, we call him by his first name. She looked vaguely familiar but he couldn't place where he had seen her before. One thing was for sure: she had Curves In All The Right Places™ and Draco wanted to have rampant animal sex with her. Because Draco likes having rampant animal sex with all the girls in Slytherin, and a few of the boys. Because he's a sex god. Didn't you know that?

"Draco – I mean, Malfoy!" Hermione said. She cursed herself for using his first name, when she wasn't supposed to do that until they had had a Moment™. "_You're_ Head Boy?"

"Why, yes I am, beautiful," Draco said, standing up to show off his Rippling Muscles™ and also to make a move on this beautiful girl who he does not yet know the name of. Of course, he is in love with her. "Now, what's your name? I'd like to know it before we have rampant animal sex."

"Blergh!" Hermione said, backing away, before remembering why she had made herself over. It was to make decidedly sexy boys fall in love with her! And damned if Draco Malfoy wasn't a decidedly sexy boy. "I mean, I'm Maya." Then, she remembered that she hated Draco Malfoy and that she would _never_ have rampant animal sex with him! She wouldn't even have regular sex with him. That is the extent of her hate. "I mean, blergh!"

At that moment, Dumbledore entered the compartment, looking decidedly alive. "Good noon, Mr Malfoy and Miss Granger!" He said, leaping onto the furniture and gnawing on it. In fics where the author can't get Dumbledore's eccentricity right, they make him a raving lunatic. He got off the furniture and rolled under a seat, where he called out their duties as Head Boy and Girl. "Um… you have some duties, but I can't be arsed explaining, so your only duty is to have rampant animal sex in your shared common room! Wait, did I mention you share a common room? And an adjoining bathroom! Just _think_ of the opportunities for Awkward Moments™ and Blatantly Obvious Sexual Tension™!"

"Wait, _Granger?_" Draco said, shocked. "Mudblood Granger? You said your name was Maya!"

"That's what I'm called now," Hermione said, pushing out her chest some more. "Dumbledore, aren't you going to stop Malfoy calling me that?"

"Nope!" Dumbledore said, now dancing a horizontal jig under the seat. "I think the best cure for crazy racists is to have rampant animal sex with them!"

"Wait, what?" Hermione and Draco said together. Flash forwards to sometime later, and it's the feast. Hermione is gazing at Draco across the hall, wondering if she was truly in love with him, or it was just her teenage hormones telling her to have rampant animal sex with him. Little did she know, Draco was thinking the same about her…

"Lyk, Maya!" Harry said, waving his arms about like a twelve-year-old girl. "Why are you _totally_ staring at _DRACO MALFOY? _Are you in _love_ with him or something?"

"Omg!" Said Ron, using netspeak again. "Maya loves Malfoy! We have to stop being her friend now."

"Lyk, totally!" Agreed Harry, sighing and turning his back on her girlishly. Hermione started to cry, but her best friends didn't care. They hated her now, because she had been looking in the general direction of a boy they disliked.

Flash forwards to sometime later still, and Hermione sat in the common room she shared with Draco, still weeping profusely. Draco saw her weep and walked over to comfort her, because of course he is Sweet and Gentle™ and never _really_ wanted to be a Death Eater or anything.

"Oh, Maya," he said, "If only you knew how my heart yearns for you."

"What?"

"Oh, sorry. I guess I was just thinking out loud," Draco said, covering his tracks expertly.

"Well, I have to tell you something, Draco," Hermione said, using his first name. This obviously represents True and Undying Love™. "I love you so very very much."

"Oh my!" Cried Draco. "Maya, I have waited so long to hear you say that! I will forsake my sex god ways and love you alone!"

Hermione's heart melted. "Let us have rampant, animal sex."

They had rampant, animal sex, Harry and Ron saw the error of they ways and apologised to Hermione ("lyk, we're _totally_ sorry"), Draco renounced his father, and they had lots and lots of little babies as a result of their rampant animal sex.


	2. The Masked Ball

Note: The misspellings of 'kewl' and 'lyk' in the previous chapter was intentional. Just so you know.

Warning: This contains HP6 spoilers.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warning #2: If you use plot devices such as these in your story, I pity you to your face but mock you behind your back. If you think this plot device is a good idea and that it's _so totally kewl_, I mock you to your face and pity you behind your back. I will issue Cutting Remarks™ which will really make you think long and hard about your life decisions.

_Chapter Two: Hidden Attractions (or other 'witty' metaphor for the plot device where there's a masked ball and two unlikely people fall in love without realising who it is)_

Summary: Following the success of the Yule Ball, the staff of Hogwarts decide to have another ball… but it is no ordinary ball… it is a masked ball… oh, what mystery and romance will arise? You must read it and find out! OMG PLZ REVIEW ME IF YOU DON'T I WILL DIE OF A RANDOM TERMINAL ILLNESS BUT FLAME ME AND I WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS

Dumbledore sighed. "I wish people would get my character right," he muttered to himeslf wistfully. "Acting like Tom Cruise on Oprah all the time is making me feel like a twat."

But alas, Dumbledore's eccentricity has once again been mutated into complete and utter insanity, and we are forced to live with it, for any polite suggestions to the author results in "OK WELL THIS IS MY STORY SO I'M ALLOWED TO FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING RAPE THE CHARACTERS AND DISREGARD CANON BUT WHATEVER KTHXBYE"

Gritting his teeth, Dumbledore entered the Great Hall and waited until the attention of all students was upon him before speaking. "As a random plot twist, and because the author can't be arsed writing about the Sorting, all the first years can go to Ravenclaw or an equally unimportant house."

McGonagall gaped at him. "Albus, have you gone senile? What are the teachers supposed to do in the periods where they have to teach first-years of the other houses?" She cried, wondering why he was acting as if he had been written by a twelve-year-old with only a basic understanding of who Dumbledore is. Dumbledore looked at her, tapped his nose cryptically, and winked.

"Dear woman," he started kindly, "I don't know about you, but I for one would like to see less yapping from you and more sitting down and shutting up." He turned to the rest of the school, smiling broadly. His eyes twinkled even though they were pointing in different directions. "In lieu of a random speech about, y'know, things, I'd like to take this opportunity to gnaw on my own hand and at the same time tell you about a Ball I've decided to have."

McGonagall looked scandalised but kept her mouth tightly shut. Who knew what this new, insane Dumbledore would do if challenged.

"I reckon that maybe, y'know, it can be one where you don't wear _robes_, bear with me, and, uh, you wear clothing that muggles wear or something! YEA TH SOUNDZ PRETI KEWL!"

"Did Dumbledore just use netspeak?" Harry asked, aghast. He noticed Ginny Gazing Dreamily™ at him, but chose to ignore it because he thought she was kind of creepy.

"NO HARRY I DID NOT," Dumbledore said loudly, waving an arm in Harry's general direction, "O & BTW HOW THE H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STIX CAN U TELL TH IN SPOKEN LANGUAGE"

"He has a point, you know," Hermione said. She noticed Ron Gazing Dreamily™ at him, but chose to ignore it because she thought he was kind of creepy.

"YEA & LYK THIS BALL I'M GUNA HAV IS GUNA B MASKD N STUF, SO U WILL LYK NOT KNO WHO PPL R," said Dumbledore, whose latest lunacy had driven him to speaking in all capitals. This, coupled with his crazy-eyes and the fact that he was slightly foaming at the mouth, gave him the appearance of a rabid hobo. Through the insanity, he noticed Snape gazing dreamily at him, but chose to ignore it because he thought Snape was incredibly creepy.

Okay, so I'm kind of sick of writing about Dumbledore's insanity, so I'll have a flash forward to the night of the ball. Let's just assume everyone's been kind of mean to each other, which will make it ALL THE MORE SHOCKING when they get together at this Ball.

Ginny looked at herself in the mirror. No longer was she just Harry Potter's friend's little sister! No longer was she just that chick Harry Potter went out with in the sixth book! No longer was she… something else of which the author can't be arsed thinking of! She was damned sexy. She had Curves In All The Right Places™. She had a distant American relative who had made her over and also taken her to Mexico to get a cheap boob job. She was now incredibly stunning, and with an overlarge chest. Strangely, her family didn't notice the fact that she went on holiday flat-chested but came back a DD. This was strange not only because of the huge difference, but because Ginny had taken to wearing exceedingly revealing clothes. Her ball attire was no exception. It was a micro-miniskirt with fishnets, knee-high boots and a shirt that barely covered anything. And didn't all the boys want her _bad!_ She pulled on some kind of Sexy and Alluring™ mask that covered only the top part of her face but of course rendered her unrecognisable.

She walked down to the Great Hall, winking at random people and causing them to faint and/or stare after her with wide-open mouths. Yes, even the girls. She was just so stunning.

So yeah, the Ball. Ginny's there and she sees a boy sitting all by his lonesome, looking wistfully at all the dancing couples. This is, of course, Draco, and he is looking wistfully at all the dancing couples because obviously his father never loved him. And he beats him. And does other mean things to him. So all he wants is to be loved, but of course this is in secret because his sex god persona doesn't allow for love of any sort. Oh, the pain of being an unloved child/budding and yet unwilling Death Eater/sex god.

Ginny, being incredibly sexy but also incredibly kind, pities the lone boy and asks him to dance. He is, of course, joyous at having found his One True Love™ and thus dances with her in a very sexy way.

Hermione, also having a distant American relative who gave her a makeover and cheap Mexican boob job, was looking sexy also. She also had Curves In All The Right Places™! She was dancing with a tall, dark and mysterious stranger, who is, of course, Snape. There will be more on Hermione and Snape's illicit paedophilic affair in a later chapter. But for now, it is simple dancing.

"O, remarkably tall unknown student," Hermione cooed, as her masked partner twirled her around the dancefloor like some sort of twirly-person. "If only I knew who was under that small mask which only covers the top part of your face and yet renders you unrecognisable! What with your greasy black hair and hooked nose, you could be anyone in the school! If only I knew who you were! IF ONLY!"

"O, young lady," replied Snape, "I notice you referred to me as a student. I am assuming this is a slip of the tongue, for you are most definitely a teacher at this fine school! You couldn't possibly be a student, not with that cheap Mexican boob job!"

"O, familiar-looking and yet unknown dance partner," Hermione whined in a teenage-girl sort of way. "My heart yearns to know who you are! IT YEARNS!"

Across the hall, Ginny and Draco were dancing. "O, redhaired girl of which I have no knowledge of who you are," Draco said in a completely out-of-character way. "I think I'm in love with you! I mean, you dress like a tart, and you have Curves In All The Right Places™, how could I not love you? Sure, you remind me of this Weasley girl I really hate, but I love you all the same!"

"O, blond boy of which I have no knowledge of who you are!" Ginny cried wistfully. "Through your Ridiculously Trendy™ muggle attire, I can feel your Rippling Muscles™! I so wish you would deign to have rampant animal sex with me! I really do! I love you, unknown blond boy! Even though you kind of remind me of this Malfoy guy I really hate, I love you all the same!"

For some unknown reason, the lighting went back to normal and the music stopped. Everyone whined, in a whiny teenage kind of way. That is, until Dumbledore stood up and started to speak. He was a little unclear on what constituted muggle attire, and so had worn nothing but a pair of budgie smugglers. Many retched. Many were scarred for life. Snape smiled.

"Students and teachers!" He cried, doing some kind of strange dance with flapping-arm motions. "It is time! Time for you to… _remove your masks_."

The hall gasped as one, and then whined a little. Across the hall, Ginny removed her mask with a flourish. Draco stared, then removed his.

"Oh my!" Cried Ginny. "My One True Love™ is a Malfoy! My parents will be so disapproving! But I don't think they'll be written about much because teenage authors like to write about Malfoy being abused by his obviously abusive father! Oh, the Teenage Angst_™_!"

"Oh my!" Cried Draco. "My One True Love™ is a Weasley! A blood traitor! I shouldn't be in love with her! I shouldn't! Oh, but I _am!_ I am! My father will be so disapproving and abusive! It is assumed that my mother is not disapproving at all, because she maybe does not abuse me like my father obviously does! Oh, the Teenage Angst_™_!"

Then Ginny and Draco finally either get their parents to understand or elope together, and live happily ever after. What? Who's this 'Voldemort' character I've been hearing so much about? Ah well, can't be anyone important.

* * *

Just a little note: In case the Snape/Dumbledore thing was confusing, I'll explain it for you: Snape has a schoolgirl crush on Dumbledore but Dumbledore thinks Snape's really weird and so avoids him most of the time. Who knows, perhaps my next Unlikely Fanfiction will be Snape/Dumbledore-centric? 


	3. So Very Very Sorry

Sorry to anyone who thought it was a real, proper chapter. It's just a little note. Because I probably won't be updating as often as I have (oh yeah, I'm such a consistent updater anyway) because today was my first day of COLLEGE! That's right, COLLEGE!

This isn't your American college for smart people and partying jocks with sports scholarships. This is college that follows high school. This is college that gives you your grade 11 and grade 12 (and grade 13 if you're really dumb) education. And most of my subjects are music or art – related, so I think I'll try a bit harder this year.

Especially because I'm doing a music course where I'm expected to know how to play, and I only picked up a guitar two weeks ago.

So I'm sorry for rambling on, I tend to do that. I'm just saying that I AM SO VERY VERY SORRY if my updates are more postponed than usual – well, define usual. I've only posted two chapters.

To keep you giggling like a school girl, here is a little joke that I made up right now:

"Good evening. My name is Harry Potter."

"Holy crap."

Funny, no? No. Not really. I'm sorry. I'm not very good at making up jokes on the spur of the moment when I really should be in bed because I need sleep if I am to be an Academically Inclined College Girl™.


	4. Oh Mary You're So Fine

Taking time out of my oh-so busy schedule to write you another chapter. This one probably won't be as funny because college has sucked the soul out of me, but I'll certainly try my darnedest. Adopts_ cute expression, making onlookers go 'awwww'_ This is a Mary Sue story, with a blatant self-insertion. But unlike other self-insertions, which are perfect and flawless, I will be different. I mean, I'll still make myself incredibly beautiful, _flips hair_ but… well, you'll see.

Warning: This contains HP6 spoilers.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warning #2: Unlike the previous two chapters, I don't dislike this horribly unlikely plot device. In fact, I love it. Self-insertion Mary Sues are what it's all about! For more information, check my profile, or if you don't want to read my half-crazed ramblings about Mary Sues then just go to my C2. So I guess this isn't really a warning but more of a – well, I don't know what this is.

Warning #3: School is stressing me out. I don't know anyone in my music class, I'm reverting to my drawing-stupid-pictures-in-maths routine, and I hate my art teacher. So if there is any untoward tension or random outbreaks of anger in this chapter, you can blame my stupid school.

_Chapter Three: The New Girl (or other incredibly original title)_

Summary: Lyk ohmiGAWD, this chyk goez 2 lyk HOGWARTS or sumthn and meetz dem ppl in de books u no yeh u no right right am I right u no hu they r right? OK JUST REVIEW ME MMK YOU EVIL PIECES OF SCUM FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE, I DESPISE YOU FREAKS AND ALL THAT YOU EMBODY – ahem. Just read it.

Dumbledore sat in his office, almost tearing his hair out. "So many transfer students!" He cried, reading over the enrolments list.

"How so, Albus?" asked Professor McGonagall, who had just popped in for a cup of tea and a scone. She sure loved scones, that McGonagall. What a character.

"This year, we have four hundred and twelve transfer students. Almost all of them are American. What is this rubbish? Do they only have one magical school in America?" He cried, standing from his desk and gazing out the window at the setting sun.

McGonagall thought for a moment, nibbling on a scone. It was delicious, in case anyone was wondering. "You know," she said slowly, "I really can't think of an intelligent reply to that."

At that moment, the door opened and the author popped her head around it. "You're on in five. Dumbledore, what are you doing? Why haven't you gotten into your senile old man character yet?"

Dumbledore sighed and crossed his eyes. "Oogly woogly dustbin," he said dully.

-----

Justa few minutes later, Dumbledore was standing in front of the entire school wearing a raincoat and a pair of plus-fours. "We have a new student this year! Please make her welcome!"

A girl walked into the hall, making the students mutter about her. For no apparent reason other than they just like to mutter about people.

"Wow, Harry," said Ron, watching her walk past with a sparkle in his eye, "That girl is sure nice-looking. I think I'm in love!"

"Ronald!" Squealed Hermione, again using a name she had never used before in her life, "I bet she's really mean. Usually I wouldn't judge a person on appearance alone, but I think I'll hate her for no apparent reason other than the fact that she's mildly threatening to my chances with Ronald and Harold."

"Oh, Hermione, you're just jealous," Harry brushed her off, gazing at the new girl. She sure was beautiful. She had short, reddish purple hair and the standard Curves In All The Right Places™. "I wouldn't mind a roll in the hay with _her._"

The sorting hat sat upon her beautiful head, wondering where it should put her. She had the loyalty of a Hufflepuff, the intelligence of a Ravenclaw, the bravery of a Gryffindor and the ambition of a Slytherin. Finally, the hat decided that the best chances of a Clichéd Pairing™ were if she was placed in Gryffindor, and thus shouted it out to the hall at large.

"Wow!" Ron said, getting all excited. "She's in Gryffindor! This will certainly give us lots of opportunities for Accidental Shower Viewings™, a Clichéd Kiss In The Common Room™ and finally, a Misunderstanding Which Creates Some Superficial 'Problems' In The Relationship™!"

"You're perfect," Harry said unintentionally as the girl walked over to the table. "I'm Harry. Harry Potter. Want to make out with a _famous person_?"

"What? I'm Elle," said the girl, apparently unnoticing of Harry's makeout offer, or of Ron's desperate attempts to get her attention, first by dancing, then by twirling plates on long sticks, then finally by taking off all his clothes and spinning like a top. "And I'm not perfect."

"What? Yes you are! You're beautiful!" Cried Ron. "And it is a well-known fact that only physical appearances count!"

"Ha!" Laughed Elle, clutching her knees from mirth. "I wish! I'm clumsy and awkward, and I have trouble getting words from my brain to my mouth in one piece!"

"That's okay!" said Harry earnestly. "We still think you're beautiful! Just try not to talk around us."

"And my nose is too big," Elle considered, putting a hand to her face. "And sometimes I snort when I laugh."

"Wow, she's right," Hermione said, leaning closer. "You do have a massive conk."

Could it be? A self-insertion with – can we say this in a Mary Sue story? _Flaws?_

Unfortunately, someone realised that Elle was a character with some vague depth, and she had to go away. She was never heard from again. But that was okay, because _another_ new character was introduced! Her name was The Beautiful and Intelligent Princess Cecilia Drindeworth Parsley Gbdfa Nylon Handlebars Kerosene the Third, and she was, as her name would suggest, Beautiful and Intelligent™. And a princess. And an American™. And an anamigus. Actually, she was some weirdo form of anamigus which meant she could transform into any animal she pleased. She could talk to animals too. And control the weather. And the elements. And I mean the four elements, not the ones on the periodic table. 'Cause it'd be pretty lame to be able to control things like Boron or Krypton. Unless you were a scientist or something and your work depended on it. Then it'd be pretty useful.

Wait, what?

What the hell? Why did I just write that?

Um… so anyway, this Princess was so magical she was more powerful than Voldemort and Dumbledore combined, but just didn't know it yet. Actually, nobody knew. Nobody… except Dumbledore. He knew. Oh, yes he did. Because he just _knows_ stuff. It was his task to hone her _super-awesome_ skills into a force for good, which would rid the world of evil in all its forms and be back in time for tea. And hone he did, with The Beautiful and Intelligent Princess Cecilia Drindeworth Parsley Gbdfa Nylon Handlebars Kerosene the Third. But he was sure not to hone her too much, as everyone knows over-honing can lead to gum disease. Let this be a warning to you all, kids. DON'T OVER-HONE YOUR BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT FORCE FOR GOOD.

One night, Cecilia was taking a shower in an unspecified part of the castle, when... disaster struck! HARRY WALKED IN AND SAW HER WITHOUT HER CLOTHES! I know, wow. "This is awkward!" Harry said, but for some reason did not leave the bathroom like a normal person would.

"It certainly is!" replied Cecilia, for some reason not covering herself likea normal person would.

"What an awkward moment in the girl's showers! Wait, what am I doing here again?"

"Plot device," Cecilia replied shortly, and that was that.

A few nights later, Cecilia had just returned from a particularly gruelling (but not _too _gruelling) lesson with good old Dumbles, who had forgotten who she was and tried to kill her four times. Good thing she was more powerful than Voldemort and Dumbledore combined! She flopped gracefully into a chair in the Gryffindor common room, breathing deeply out of fatigue and also melancholy. Melancholy at her horrible past. The past that she would rather forget. The past that we'll be flashing back to.

_Cecilia was wandering the halls of her parents' castle. Her parents were, of course, the King and Queen of some place or other, and thus had a castle. This castle was huge. And I mean huge. It was almost bigger than whatever place they reigned over. Cecilia contemplated this as she walked into a random room and saw her parents, lying dead on the rug._

"_NO!" She cried, rushing over. "This is a Persian rug! PERSIAN!" She quickly kicked her dead parents out of the way to assess the damage. There were two large bloodstains on the carpet but they looked fresh. If she got the rug-cleaner-guy onto it immediately, it wouldn't stain too much. She breathed a sigh of relief. "This carpet may be saved after all," she said, tears of joy forming in her beautiful eyes. "Wait on – my parents are dead! Oh well."_

_The cleaner couldn't get the stains out. To Cecilia's horror, the rug stayed ruined and it would haunt her for the rest of her life. Every night she dreamt of that rug, and every waking moment was spent wondering what could have been. She was full of Teenage Angst™, but not the regular kind. This was the kind of Teenage Angst™ the beautiful people got. Uglies got a different kind._

She was so immersed in her flashback that she didn't notice the one, the only, Harry Potter! He was sitting in the chair next to hers and watching her stare off into space intently.

"Good evening, Harry Potter," she said, flipping her hair around her face so much it caused a slight cyclone. "I hear tonight is a good night for Clichéd Smoochies In The Common Room™."

"Me too," Harry replied, very much wanting some Clichéd Smoochies™ with Princess Cecilia. "Let us have smoochies."

"Oh yes, let's," replied Cecilia. Harry only had a moment to wonder why they were talking in such a stilted manner before being whisked away by Cecilia for some Clichéd Smoochies™. They had a Misunderstanding Which Creates Some Superficial 'Problems' In The Relationship™, but it was okay. They worked it out. I'm serious, they did. Cecilia was gravitating towards Malfoy for a moment there but it was okay, as Harry gently reminded her that Clichéd Smoochies™ didn't work unless she was there for him to have smoochies with. And it was a good thing she stayed on the good side too, with all that magical power!

So yeah she killed Voldemort or something, then they lived happily ever after. The end.

-----

Well, I don't think this was very good (I'm writing this when I should be in bed and the only funny bits were when I went into a half-asleep stupor, rambling on about nothing) but I hope at least some of you got some enjoyment out of you. It. Enjoyment out of IT. Now it's bed time for me, as I have an early morning tomorrow and I want to be all rested for when I fuck up music.


	5. Like, Whatever, Oh My God

WHAT? AN UPDATE? You must be kidding. It's been almost a year since my last update, THIS I KNOW. Thank you all for your lovely reviews with well-wishing for my college days, and yeah, they were pretty okay. Now I have a new nemesis and a new best friend, and since it's the summer holidays (it has been since the start of November actually, and I don't go back to school until the middle of February – aren't you all green with envy?) I have decided that I have time to update. But don't get all excited and think that I'm going to start updating regularly, because pfft, as if.

Also, don't get all excited and think this is going to be funny. Because it probably isn't.

Warning: This features metaphorical canon rape. I'm sorry.

It was the summer after her sixth year, and Hermione was still just regular ol' Hermione. Oh, how she wished she could have Curves In All The Right Places™. She knew that all her schoolwork and good grades were worthless really, and what really mattered was being _sexy._ But unfortunately, she was just naturally unsexy. And that was the way it would stay. She pondered for a moment, as to why Microsoft Word didn't think unsexy was a word. Unsex was a word. _What does unsex mean_? She wondered. She made a mental note to ask someone later, when her parents suddenly entered her room.

"Hermione, we have something to tell you," they said.

"Oh, mum and dad, I'm so glad you came in here. I have an incredibly important question," she replied.

"What is it darling?"

"What does unsex mean?"

Her father was the one who replied. "Unsex, a transitive verb. Inflicted forms: unsexed, unsexing, unsexes. 1. To deprive of sexual capacity or sexual attributes. 2. To castrate."

"Thank you, father, who is most certainly my birth father and has not been hiding anything from me," Hermione replied, for no reason at all. "Did you want to tell me something?"

"Why yes, we did," said her mother. "You see, Hermione, you were adopted. By us. We are your adopted parents. You are not actually related to us in any way. You were just a baby that we adopted, not related to us at all."

"What?" Hermione asked. "Stop skirting around the issue! Tell me!"

Hermione's 'parents' looked at each other. Then, her father spoke up. "Well Hermione, we love you very much, and we just want –"

"I'M ADOPTED? NOOOOOOOOOO!" She cried. "Why was I adopted?"

"Er… actually, we don't know. There doesn't seem to be any reason for your adoption, but there were spells put on you that made you ugly – I mean, made you… unique-looking until you turned seventeen."

"But… today is my seventeenth birthday!" Hermione cried, looking at herself in the mirror. She wasn't ugly – I mean, unique-looking anymore. She had long blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, and cheekbones that just make you go OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT GIRL'S CHEEKBONES. Of course, she had Curves In All The Right Places™.

"You see, Hermione, you are a Malfoy. The sister to Draco Malfoy, in fact," her mother said. "Which is of course, incredibly likely."

"I'm Malfoy's SISTER?" She cried. "Wtf?"

"Hermione, was that netspeak?" Her father asked, glaring at her. She shook her head quickly, causing her beautiful hair to move, shimmering in the light. "Anyway, you're also a vampire. And a veela. And an elf. But a nice Lord of the Rings-style elf, not a weird little Harry Potter house-elf. And some sort of Asian fighting technique expert. And kind of a mermaid too, but as you can see, you don't have a tail. Also you're a parseltongue. And your real name isn't Hermione, it's Kamilienina. Also you're a princess. And the most powerful witch in a hundred billion kajillion years. And also you're really in Slytherin."

"But… why all these changes?" She cried.

"Do you _really _think boring, regular old Hermione would be able to pull a _totally hot _chunk of manmeat like Snape?" Hermione – I mean Kamilienina's mother said dreamily. Kamilienina gagged.

"Ugh, _Snape?_ My ugly, hook-nosed, greasy-haired, middle-aged schoolteacher? Why the hell would I want to 'pull' him? I'm sure that's illegal in several different ways, not including the cross-species stuff that would happen if we ever…" she gagged again. "I'm sorry, I just can't think about it. It's too revolting."

"We thought you'd feel this way," said her parents, and they waved their wands about and started muttering spells, because obviously they didn't know they were muggles and couldn't do magic. When they stopped muttering, Kamilienina stared blankly.

"Like, whatever," she said. "Like, oh my god, shut _up._ Severus? I totally want to _pull_ him, or something. What? Of course I call him by his first name. Haven't I always?"

Her parents smiled.

-----

At Hogwarts…

Kamilienina sat at the Slytherin table, having a really deep and meaningful discussion with her new brother Draco, which consisted mainly of 'like' 'whatever' and 'oh my god'. Once the dinner was over, she walked to the Gryffindor table where Ron and Harry were still seated, for some reason.

"Like, Ronald and Harold," she said, "You totally didn't come talk to me on the train." She pouted and tried to look pathetic. She succeeded.

"Yeah, me and Harry have decided that because you're a vampire, and a veela, an elf, but a nice Lord of the Rings-style elf, not a weird little Harry Potter house-elf, and some sort of Asian fighting technique expert, and kind of a mermaid too, but as you can see, you don't have a tail, and a parseltongue, and your real name isn't Hermione, it's Kamilienina, and you're a princess, and the most powerful witch in a hundred billion kajillion years, and in Slytherin, we hate you now," said Ron, breathing deeply after that mouthful.

"Yeah, we hate you," Harry said. Kamilienina ran off and cried somewhere, somehow her tears emitting strange noises that sounded rather similar to 'liiiiiiike', 'whateeeeever', and 'ooooh my gooooood'.

"Oh Kamilienina," came a voice. "You are so beautiful and I totally want you, why are you crying?" It was Snape. Or rather, _Severus_.

"Severus?" Kamilienina said, wiping her eyes. Yes, she even looked beautiful when she was crying. Even with her face all gross and twisted up and with red eyes and all snotty, she was still incredibly beautiful. "Er… what are you doing in the girls' bathroom?"

"It's best we don't speak of such things right now," Severus said, casting his eyes about suspiciously.

"Then what do we talk about?"

"How much I want your _Sexy Body™."_

Thus, they embarked on a pedophilic affair which everyone was apparently fine with, even the other teachers merely chuckling and saying "Oh, I knew old Snapey was a closet pedophile. And I did suspect that Granger girl was really a vampire, and a veela, an elf, but a nice Lord of the Rings-style elf, not a weird little Harry Potter house-elf, and some sort of Asian fighting technique expert, and kind of a mermaid too, but as you can see, she doesn't have a tail, and a parseltongue, and her real name isn't Hermione, it's Kamilienina, and she's a princess, and the most powerful witch in a hundred billion kajillion years, and in Slytherin, and that she would fall for her ugly, mean-spirited, middle-aged teacher."

-----

Thus marks the end of the probably unfunny and incredibly late update. And before all you Snape-fans get all up in my earhole about the apparent Snape-bashing, I just want to say that I love him too, so you don't need to convince me of anything. It's just that JKR has always written him as being quite ugly. I mean, seriously. Hermione/Snape? That's just wrong. And you know what's even wronger? Ginny/Voldemort. He's about fifty years older than her! Since when was that okay? Never! It was never okay.

And just a note to EVERYONE: IT IS NEVER OKAY TO CHANGE THE NAME OF A CANON CHARACTER. NEVER. OR TO REVEAL THAT THEY REALLY HAVE SPECIAL POWERS OR ARE RELATED TO MALFOY OR SOMETHING. THIS KIND OF THING IS NOT OKAY AT ALL.


	6. The Marriage Law That Makes No Sense

Oh my god, how long has it been since I've updated? SO VERY LONG. However, the fates have conspired to bring you another gripping chapter of HARRY POTTER AND THE HORRIBLY UNLIKELY FANFICTION. As some of you may know, I spend far too much time on this site, reading god-awful fics to try and get a cheap laugh. Unfortunately, it has led to a horrific drinking problem that I use to escape the pain of living in a world where netspeak is considered acceptable in a literary work. Fortunately, it has also led to new HORRIBLY UNLIKELY IDEAS, or rather, RIPPING OFF OTHER PEOPLE'S POORLY THOUGHT OUT PLOT DEVICES.

I've just remembered that in the past, some people have looked upon this series none too kindly. Well, when you've been here as long as I have, you learn to stop giving a shit. So don't bother flaming. But if you want to tell me how wonderful you think I am, feel very free to do so :)

With all this nonsense out of the way, and all but seven words of my caps lock ration used up, its time for HARRY POTTER AND THE HORRIBLY UNLIKELY FANFICTION to commence!

**In Which a Marriage Law That Makes No Sense Is Passed and Americans Have No Idea What Britain Is Actually Like**

Cornelius Fudge stood at the head of the Great Hall, giving Professor Sprout a Very Sexy But Also Mysterious Sidelong Glance™. For the two were having a Very Sexy But Also Mysterious Torrid Lesbian Love Affair™. In a move that some had deemed 'incredibly unlikely', and others had simply deemed 'really messed up', it had been revealed that Cornelius Fudge was really Cornelia, proving it to the world with an impromptu vaginal display. This, of course, led Cornelia to embark on said VSBAMTLLA, and then to pass several laws that made no sense whatsoever. She was at Hogwarts to explain one of these new laws, because for some reason it had been impossible to send someone else to do the job of 'telling students things'. When you're the Minister for Magic, you don't fuck around. You get shit done.

But hark! Suddenly, the entrance doors opened with a crash-bang! A Very Sexy But Also Mysterious American Girl™ was there, looking Very Sexy But Also Mysterious™. One could tell she was American just by looking at her, for she was blonde, and so beautiful that it made grown men weep. Nobody who lived in Britain was allowed to be beautiful, and blondes were slaughtered at birth, the superstitious race of Britons fearing what they did not understand.

"You British people!" said the girl, flipping her hair. Everyone in the Hall was entranced by her and her Hair of Sexy, Mysterious Wonder™. "I feel _so_ out of place here. Everyone in this country wears suits, top hats and monocles, and everyone smokes pipes and says things like 'ra-_ther_' and 'git'."

All of the Hall's occupants simultaneously frowned their sad puppy-dog faces and looked down at their plates. She was right, of course. But they had to keep their chins up, if only because all that down-turning of faces had caused several monocles to fall into the teacups. "You know, old chap, we really should stop with all this top-hat and monocle wearing. At least until we can get some good moustaches in," one student said to another.

"Ra-_ther_," his friend replied. But they were distracted from the Very Sexy But Also Mysterious American Girl™ by the Minister, who had resumed speaking when nobody was looking.

"I have just this morning passed a marriage law," Cornelia said, acting like it made sense to do such a thing. "Due to the population loss caused by the war, I'm forcing marriage upon people. In fact, I'm forcing unhappy marriages upon people. Oho, you thought you could _choose_ who to marry? Oh no, I have a list here, and you shall be paired up thusly. Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley will be married, as will Severus Snape and Hermione Granger, since apparently paedophilia is _totally fine_."

"But I'm eighteen now," Hermione called out from the crowd, apparently seeing nothing else wrong with the situation.

"Oh," Cornelia muttered. "Ex – excellent. Well… can we find another, less legal girl to marry to Snape? No? There's no one? Oh, fine, Snape, you don't get to statutorily rape anyone. I know, I'm disappointed too."

"Statutory rape isn't funny," Hermione said. Then, she turned to face the camera directly, even though this is a written story and there are no cameras. "Hear that, fanfiction writers? _This shit is not okay._ _Stop pairing underage-me with people old enough to be my father. I do not appreciate it. Thank you._"

"Who else is going to be paired off?" Harry called, eyeing Ron with a hopeful gleam in his eye. Cornelia looked confused.

"Other… other people? No no, dear boy, this is a DMGW SSHG story. You're actually negligible here."

"This is a new feeling," Harry muttered, as he began to fade away. "Oh well, I had a good run."

"I don't want to marry Malfoy," Ginny called out, arms crossed. "What if I refuse?"

"Anyone who refuses the marriage law will be banished from the Wizarding community," Cornelia explained helpfully. "Because kicking people out is a great way to boost numbers."

"But this doesn't make any sense at all!" Ginny retorted. "Shouldn't… shouldn't there be some kind of incentive for us to procreate, not forcing it upon us? Who thought of this law? Why was it even _considered_?"

It was the Very Sexy But Also Mysterious American Girl™ who had all the answers, of course. She was so smart. "Well, duh, you guys," she said, flipping her hair in a very beautiful sort of way. "You're all British. You do stuff that doesn't make any sense all the time."

"Oh sweet Merlin, she's right," Cornelia cried, falling to the floor. "I'm not worthy to be Minister for Magic, VSBAMAG. Please, take over. Set things right with the world."

"Oh, like, sure," said the VSBAMAG. She stepped up and stood on Cornelia's bulging stomach to take the position of Minister for Magic, because she knew like, everything about being British. "I've decided to repeal this marriage law because it doesn't make any sense."

"That's what I said!" Ginny cried out. She was obviously incredibly jealous because all the boys liked the VSBAMAG instead of her. If there's one life goal Ginny has, it's to have all the boys' attention. VSBAMAG ignored her.

"I'm going to offer incentives for people to procreate instead," VSBAMAG said. Ginny's head exploded from rage, or it might just have been that she was British, and British people did weird things like that all the time. At any rate, everyone agreed that nobody born in Britain could possibly have had the foresight and ability to save the world quite like an American. There was much rejoicing.


End file.
